| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|03:03 am] |
i'm lost in the chaos of my brain. i made today like any other day and it's not. it's the day you were born, the day that my other half was brought into this world...
you helped me get through it all. you never turned your back or walked away. you're the only one who really knew me at all. you're the one i was a fool with. the one that never questioned the break downs. never questioned my fucked up reasoning for doing what i was doing. we were unstoppable dear. fucking unstoppable together. nothing else in the world mattered when we brought our separates together. we were made for each other. you made this world survivable. you made everything seem like it was going to be okay. i feel sick with everything that's happened. i haven't even seen you in my dreams in such a long time. even though i could never remember exactly what we talked about i would feel better when i woke the next day. i know we always discussed how upset i was that you had to go. argued about you leaving and about how bad things were with your mom. she needed you here. she was never the same after you left. that was such a long nine months. she was so sick, in so much pain. ryan and i were there the night she passed. we held her hand and she told us to get out. she looked so scared for a second, but only a second. then she relaxed and said she loved us. she said we really needed to leave and closed her eyes. i found out the next morning she passed shortly after we left. i shut down, lost all sense of myself. i find it hard to find the positive in this situation. i want to hear your laugh, there's no sound that would make my ears happier. it all comes back to you in my head. everything i do, everything i say. you creep into every aspect of my day. from the moment i wake to the moment i drift off, you're there. in every laugh, tear, and sigh... you're there.
i can't even look jack in the eye. i start to cry every time i look in those eyes because they do belong to you, but he wears them so well. i can count the amount of times i've seen him on one hand since you've gone. nothing in this world terrifies me more than the idea that he won't like me. that i'm going to lose the only part of you that there is left on this earth. i wish i would have gotten to know jay better while you were still here. if i knew him better before you passed he would probably make a bigger effort to include me in any visits jack makes to halifax. i'm never included. the beautiful boy is growing up and i'm missing it... you're missing it... he's not going to be the same without you. i hope you realize this. i'm hoping there's enough of you flowing through his veins that he doesn't grow up to be average. your influence would have been so strong. that was not a jab at his father. jay will always do his best, but even he will admit he is not you. no one can do what you can do.
no one can compare to you.
it still makes me dizzy when i think about the moment i found out about the accident.
when the world stopped turning and all the oxygen was gone.
the air was trapped in my lungs as memories of you and our last visit together ran through my head.
i held down the nausea as i remembered i didn't answer your call saturday morning.
i chose not to go home with you that weekend.
i didn't go and you died.
your mom died.
jack lived.
you saved him.
you are the reason he is alive.
if there's nothing else, there's always that.
he is really a beautiful little boy.. those blond curls look incredible on him.
i hope i'm strong enough to do this my love. some days it doesn't feel like i'm going to make it.
i miss you too much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|12:35 am] |
twenty-five. god damn..
sad to say i couldn't even bring myself to celebrate her birthday today. i couldn't face it. i hid at work for almost six hours in total on a sunday while the shop was closed. did school work. ran errands for friends. anything not to have to think about the fact that i'm older than she is.
every single day it still eats away at me.
i'm so fucking sorry my love.
more sorry than you'll ever know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|03:12 am] |
it's happening again.
your birthday is coming and you're not getting older.
damn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2009|02:59 am] |
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people told me slow my roll i'm screamin out "fuck. that."
i'm gonna do just what i want lookin ahead no turnin back.
if i fall, if i die, know i lived it to the fullest.
if i fall, if i die, know i lived and missed some bullets.
i'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold.
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it's all about you. so every morning when you wake.
before the first step that you take. just think it's all what you make it.
and you'll make it through. --------------------------------------- |
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